I finished up with the days patients and cleaned the wagon.. restocked supplies and then headed to start dinner. While some stew was cooking.. I began to think back on everything that went wrong. In the beginning it was nice to have a constant companion and someone who visited the fires... who touched my shoulder.. who showed interest in me. That slowly began to creep away and left me feeling that I missed Him. Just seeing meat stocked from a hunt is not a relationship... to just know He is alive and well.. is not enough to sustain a mating. Now while it is true that there were always people at the fires to be with... somehow.. in a deeper sense of the word... I was lonely. My heart ached to love. There is a feeling.. a deep driving desire for the company of your Mate. Only your Mate can hold you and caress you... in a way that no other can nor is allowed. In public a kiss to the top of the head... or the cheek is acceptable... but it was the private.. the more intimate kisses that I craved. Yes... I always wanted more... I needed more... I needed everything I could get... but for the most part.. was denied. I found myself retreating to the wagon when Shi was around in hopes for some intimate time alone... to do the things that lovers do... that make one feel good and share with each other those exact things that only a couple can. Kanda and Paga were a poor substitute for a Mate... but I was weak.. and as someone told me.. I am not the only one to turn to them for satisfaction. In the end.. they were wrong to give into. It was a sin that I gave into those base desires... but I should no longer blame myself. They only covered up the longing to be caressed.. held.. touched. I had to almost stop short of begging for attention. And with something Fonce said.. I have to agree and not agree because if that made me seem like a kajira.. then so be it. I hold no shame in trying to please my Man... in trying to express my interest in wants and needs. It should have never have gotten that far to begin with. I havent recevied any word from Shi.. I havent even seen Him. But I do hope when the anger subsides we can sit an talk like adults... but I get the feeling that He no longer even wants to try.
I asked Him... only a few nights prior.. what one of His more inner desires was.. and He said.. to spend the rest of His life with a beautiful Tuchuk Woman......
I just guess... it wasnt me.
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