The past few days have left me tired and drawn. Not for the amount of work I have engrossed myself in physically.. but more so of the mental barage of self examination. Everything I do.. and all I have done has been examinined.. disected.. rearranged.. studied some more... and I still am missing some parts. Perhaps those parts are not meant to be understood.. am I looking too deeply?
This... plethora of ideals and images... are memories that need to be there. They have a place. They have a sense of worth... but right now.. belong only in the background.
It started with Brute. His journey was coming to an end and it was time for Him to move on to the next part of life. I stopped by Kam and Chay's wagon to ask if I might go and see that ornery kaiila one last time. Kam gave His permission and I headed to the pens. Brute was as always happy to see me. I was always one of the few.. the very select few to whom this smelly bugger loved to coat in kaiila slobber. This was no exception of a time. I nuzzled up to Him and He lashed out with a sloppy kiss that slimmed me from shoulder to top of the head. Usually I would have teased Him about His oderifous scent but I found myself clinging to His neck and crying. It was pure.. raw emotion that I wept and I wish I could say it was all for Brute.. but there were many underlying issues that brought this torrent of sobs and tears. Eventually.. the emotion did turn to Brute's attention and I spoke quietly with Him for a long time. I do believe that kaiila listen.. surely if they understand commands they can understand other words... I like to believe that. I will believe that He understood me. Now while I carried on my one sided conversation.. I felt Brute nudge me and grunt now and then. When I had over stayed my welcome He gave me a shove with that head and looked at me with such soulfull eyes. I patted the soft round of His face and whispered... You take care old boy... and say Tal to Toronado. My words ceased in my throat.. captured by a sob that threatened to spill forth. When that kaiila moved forward.. it seemed that He rested His head to my shoulder and down my back.. I could only whisper.. I will miss you too old friend. I hugged Him once more and we both stepped back.. a seemingly endless stare from human to beast that spoke more words than audiabley echoed. He gave me one final nudge that sent me stumbling back and I smiled. I nodded and stood strong... Farewell Brute ! Run fast and strong... I swear that beast smiled to me and I turned... not looking back. I will.... miss Him.
Gathering myself together.. I went to the Stream and found Fonce, Mayala.. Polunu and Falon there. I came upon the conversation of arrows and Mayala learning to shoot a bow. They protested Her having an arrow so I offered to give one. Fonce tried to run away... I Osted Him. Which basically entails one sitting on the runaway's foot.. wrapping around there leg and holding on for dear life. All very humorous.. that is until Fonce reached down and grabbed me by the short hairs of the braid and hoisted me up. I called Him a tease for the brush of His words close to my ear... He gladly accepted that. I was feeling better already. So when He and Falon took off to talk... I took Mayala under my wing. I gave Her some pointers and lessons in bow and arrow ediquette. I must admit that out of the three She pulled.. the vulo coop was the best.. even though She was aiming for a tem. She will have a good dinner this night.
My days have begun to run together.. perhaps with the lax state of mind and ease of clarity now. I was able to speak to Tarra. I was finally able to express what I could not before. Thoughts.. feelings.. emotions.. and Tarra understood what I was saying. It made me feel so very happy to hear Her praises.. and even more that someone finally noted my hard work and accomplishments. I realize that this is another thing I had been missing with Shi. Not that I was looking for a constant pat on the back.. but a "good job" or "way to go" now and then would have been nice.
Tarra and I spoke of what happened between Shi and I... and She said it was not my fault. I had done all I could.. but with me.. I always think I could have done more. I will not dwell on thisanymore now. There will be a time for it again.. but not now.
I do have to laugh that Meta used the term.. a wet noodle.. and how She would have drowned Herself in my situation. I can see Her own pain with Her situation She is in... and listened as She spoke of Her troubles concerning certain very familar and well walked grounds. I can only hope that I was some bit of assistance in telling Her things that might help Her.
I left the fires to tend to a sick Woman... reflecting on the journey I had taken these past days and I know now.. that...
You can teach an old sleen new tricks.
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