Somewhere between laughing and joking about Mr. Tuchuk.. splinters.. fingering meat... gravy on boots and the what not... I hit a large.. cold wall. I knew it was coming. It always does... when one tries so hard to regain what they had too soon. Baby steps Silken... yep? Hell no ! Balls to the wall.. flat out.. get out of my way or your gonna get run over... I want back now... big girl steps. What I want and what it seems my crazy mixed up head will allow are two different things. I was lucky enough however to talk to Saresh... I needed "Man answers" for some questions that bounced around in my head like a game of Pong. He provided answers.. but Im still throughly confused.. maybe even more so. Maybe Saresh... the Ubar of Woman was the wrong person to ask. Not that His answers were wrong.. just not what I wanted to hear. I dont like to hear.. wait. Waiting sucks. Im not patient.
Seth has been gone a few days... out hunting for some food. I asked Him if He wouldnt mind doing so since He had the time. He of course said yes... telling me He liked the thought of providing for me and the children. He also expressed some more interest in me.. which.. was rather flattering. I had a momentary lapse of judgement in thought reguarding Him. I wanted to grab Him and drag Him in the wagon and ravish Him till the bosk bellowed in the morning light. It was all too surreal.. and I caught myself smiling before I suddenly got cold and remembered. That was a no no. A big.. slap in the face and a slap of steel around your throat. Yes... my fingers reached to touch my throat.. I could still feel that ring around my neck for my error... even as minor as it was. It was a law.. and I had broken it. When Shi fell asleep in the doorway of my wagon before He claimed me... I thought we would both die. Luckily.. He was not a prospect and His head remained on His shoulders. Thankfully.. Jerus only collared me for punishment. Seth... is a prospect and the idea of Him being with me... both unmated.. in my wagon.... well... I shudder to think of the consequences. So... I had to push those thoughts from my mind. As I lay down for the night... I still had those images... I shivered everytime I remembered serving my People.. my brother's and my sisters.. nekkid... kneeling. I remembered how they looked upon me... the pain in their eyes.. and the heaviness of their hearts.... I swore I would never allow that again. One thing that did come of it... I held myself with pride. I took my error and found strenght to do what was right and learn from it. We all make mistakes.. but when you dont learn from them... that's when they become irresponsible childish ways.
Now... to find a way around this iceberg that blocks my path.
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