This iceberg... my wall... my cold, tall wall Ive encapsulated myself within is interesting to say the least. I know I am not hiding... or self sustaining myself by being fake. This is good. I am happy for the most part.. most of the time now. I only allow a fraction of me to surface though... keeping the most tender and vunerable parts hidden below the dark ripples for safe keeping. I am back to my jovial.. funloving.. tricks up my sleeve self. Like I said to Falon today.... I want to be original... fuck it if someone doesnt like it. If Im wrong????.... then speak to Saresh. Let Him handle it. I dont think I am... wrong... that is. I have begun a theraputic regimen of tackling people. For the longest time.. I was so bottled up within myself and not knowing where or who I was most of the time.... I could not let my emotions and feelings out. I have always licked people's cheeks... but the expression on their face when this ball of red hair comes flying at them.. full speed and just clotheslines them... well Skies.... that's priceless. This brings me to Fonce. I saw Him at the stream today... I had the hankering to tackle Him again... and did so. I do know now that I need to check the surrounds before I do... cause we both wound up ass over teacup in the water. It was funny at first.... till I noticed that... Fonce seemed to almost... turn me protectivley so as to fall on Him. Maybe it was just my imagination... or a nice thought of jesture on His part. It was in no way taken or seen in any way than family protecting family. It was that simple movement that said... Hey.. Ive got your back.. your safe... dont get hurt... Im watching out for you. I have come to realize that I care about Fonce. And no.... not in the way so many other Women here do. I do not want Fonce in any other way than a friend. He is a free spirit... He does not hold back what needs to be said or done. When and where I suddenly noticed this about Him... was several days ago when I Osted His leg to keep Him put. He laughed. He could have gotten angry.. but He laughed. Then He grabbed me by the hair and pulled me up and bit my ear. I grew up more that day. I was comfortable again in who I was. I suddenly felt like me. The me that could laugh and joke.. and be a total boskarse. Yes... it was important to me to get that back. It was a comfort to know that Fonce approved. It was a relief to know that even Tarra approved.. and Falon as well. They all noted it.. they all spoke of it. I was now basking in the glory that is Silkenhawk.
Now the conversation turned to the rules of love. I had to put in my two coppers. I do not think love has rules. If it did.. would we all not find exactly what we wanted? Love is... it's own entity. It twists and turns and slaps you in the face when your not expecting it. It also comforts and envelops the heart. It has many facets... and many flaws... many colors... but it does not have rules to follow. Guidelines? perhaps. I cannot agree to rules. Is there an age rule for love? no. Is there a rule that says.. you must feel a certain way? no. With four Mate's under my belt.. I can say I loved each one a totally different way.
So back at the fires after dinner. Falon got tackled. Polunu got a taste of the Silken tackle also. He didnt seem to mind.. it was His first. Tarra got a smaller version... for I would never do anything to accidently hurt Her or the baby... I could never live with that. But for those I care about... I will express myself in this way. I have to.. before I burst at the seams with what is inside me. And what is inside of you Silken? Every array of the spectrum. Anger.. saddness.. joy.. sorrow... hurt.. pain.. happiness... warmth.. comfort. The list is endless. To feel again is a blessing and a curse. I watched Tarra and Garyx... and I felt overwhelming happiness for my Sister.... to finally get what She deserved. Someone who loves Her unconditionly and fully. The talk of their sleeping together made me smile.. . and on the inside I cried. For my own self pity... my own self need. How I wanted to be held... safely again by arms that would protect me within the night. To not let every small sound perk my attention.. wondering who or what it is. I miss the breathing. Not mine... but the one next to me... and the silence now is so loud.. I cannot sleep. I miss the feel of His chest rising and falling against my back... almost in time with my own breathing. How His lungs filled and rolled me slightly forward... only to have His arms pull me back.. again.. and again.. and again. I miss the beating of two hearts in unison. No... I cannot let this get to me again... I must submerge myself back into the abyss and just let me heal more... learn more. The part that is up and out is hardened.. but not so much I will be cold. For as more of me warms back to life.. the hidden part rises and returns to the surface.
If He is out there... somewhere... can He hear my heart? How faint it must be. Is there another one for me...?? or have I reached my limit and am now eternally damned for life. If love followed rules.. then I should have this Man beside me right now... for I have much to give. But it does not. Fickle bitch.. love is. Nasty iceberg of a fickle bitch. Cold.. callous... haunting iceberg. I want to love. I will again. I have the love of family and friends. I have the love of life and adventure. I have the love of freedom and joy. I have the love of my children and watching them learn and grow. With all that love... how can I miss the love that fills my heart and makes two people as one. This... is the mystery. This is my quest. Where.... are.... you?
oh....
Tal to you again iceberg... come back to stay awhile hmmmm?
Its cold again......
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