I went riding last night... all night. Returning a very tired Alpha to the pens well after day break. I thought about Fonce's words... Kam's words.. Seth's words... and they all make sense. But... I am reserving the right to not agree. They are Men.. they do not see the greater picture... and that is no longer my problem.
What happened between Polunu and myself the other night will no longer even be thought of. I surrendered my ability to heal those that could die with a simple yes or no. If they say no to healing that will save their lives or aid in pain management? Fine.. I simply walk away. When their families... Mate.. loved one's.. children even come to me and ask why.. why didnt you do anything? I will tell them.. because they said no. Is that good enough for me? no bloody way... but it is what I am told is my only right. So be it.
What pisses me off most is that this was mine and Polunu's business to bring to Fonce if we felt it necessary. These children that run to Fonce with something that wasnt theirs to butt into.. make me want to spank them like the infants they are. They must lack attention somewhere and are compensating for it with these little tattletale games. It's like when one of my kids needs attention... they may come to me with the... Momma.. guess what Wily did? I reach out and hug and kiss them.. smother them in love and soon.. what Wily did.. is not important. Yes.. I want to strangle them too... but that isnt the answer. I feel bad for Saresh... He was only trying to help me help a fellow Commander. What good would it do if Polunu wasnt around to help with the salt? or a raid? I dont accept the reasoning that if He is stupid enough to deny treatment then He doesnt deserve to be a Tuchuk and live. I did what I did for Him as well as the Tribe in whole. Our Men are valuable.... yes stupid at times.. but needed. That.. was my only goal... to ensure that Polunu healed quickly and with as little pain so He could continue to provide for the Tribe. I know how He feels.. I was angry when Falon and Cana forced me to rest by injecting me with a seditive against my wishes. Did I run to Fonce and cry? No... I knew they did it out of love. But when it was all over... I held no ill towards them.
So I have to wait now... wait for Saresh and Polunu to come up with a punishment. One word... "Whatever" Nothing new. I said it before.. I'll say it again.. I stand behind what I did. I've fucked up in the past and Ive admitted it and accepted the consequences.. I learned. Convict me for something I believe in... not a power trip.. no.. but saving someone, yes. I will respectfully agree to disagree. I refussed to argue with Fonce.. I will continue to do so. He is the Ubar and His word is law.
I cant help but wonder if it was their Father or Brother in need.. would they have accepted me simply walking away...
I wonder...
"Im gonna harden my heart"
"Im gonna swallow my tears"
"Im gonna turn and leave you standing here"
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