Do I hate getting old? No... not really. My looks havent changed much since I was a young girl. Kudos to Gorean serums. Yes.. we change.. but it is still possible to maintain such beauty for a very long time. If one takes care of themselves... and especially our Plains Women... we have a beauty that is unmatched by those painted Wenches in the city. We have the fresh air in our lungs and the warmth of the central fire on our bodies. Sleeping under the stars at night... running the lands by day... I would.. nor could have it no other way.
Which brings me to why I havent gone to the main fire. Us... older Tuchuks.. while no different really in looks from the younger generations.. we do have a different attitude. With years comes wisdom and a hardening of attitude. For myself.. there is not very many of my age set around anymore. Kam is one... but He and I were from seperate area's of the Tribe growing up. My last true connections to the past were Jerus and Shi. Shi has been gone ever since He dissolved the Mating. I havent had a chance to sit and talk with Him... which leads me to believe reconsiliation is no longer. So much for learning and growing past old wounds. I am sure this journey Shi takes now is a difficult one.. but I do hope for Him that He can return without the mist of darkness that surrounds Him. This mist seemed to only grow with my presence around Him. I am almost positive that I am the one that caused His pain and closure. He wanted badly to control and guide me.. but just didnt know how... which.. is not His fault. I know I am unique... both in good and bad ways. Shi is very important to me... and His approval and love is just as important. I miss my best friend so much. But where ever He is.. He still has my love and support. And... yes... I'll admit it.. He has a piece of my heart with Him.
With Tarra gone on Her journey... I have reflected much on my life... none too pleased with most of it... but happy about some aspects. I cannot complain about my children. I cannot complain about my close family and friends. But as far as me coming through this latest trial in life and emerging as a different Woman.. it wont be happening. I too have surrounded myself in a mist... to keep everything away from me. When it seems that everyone I let in.. only winds up hurting me more... eventually you shy away from it all... everything.. and everyone. Ohh... I still do my chores.. healing.. making the paga... tending the kids and the people. But I dont feel like associating or hanging around with other's at the fire. Not when there is only one main focus that even though words arent directly spoken to intent.. every action and inuendo is understood. It is almost like a pack of larl's stalking a downed carcas. I am just waiting for one to make a move and then the rest will strike in turn.. showing the colors. It is... essentially.. none of my business... so I will stay out of it. I was told to worry about myself first. And I am doing so. If being alone is my guide to this.. then this is what I will do.
Seth has been busy with working on chores for the tribe... but He still manages to bring meat for me and the children. He hopes to be able to sit around the fires in a few hands when things calm down ( and His DSL gets fixed) It is a bad time of year for everyone... as this one winds down and a new one replaces it. Personally.. I cannot wait for warm weather to return... though I like hiding in bundles of furs and clothing. That's what its come to.. hiding. Retreating and evaluating. Soul searching. Whatever it is... I find comfort in the mist.
Misery loves company.
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