I have given up on being angry... infact.. Ive given up on feeling anything at this point. Perhaps this trip has driven me insane.. it's possible... happens to many. Im just too old.. and tired of this world. The babies are staying with Cana.. as the wagons roll across the plains.. we are almost home... and once there... when the people are safe and wagons set for the season... who knows... it may be time to pass the healers journal's to another.
I spoke to Kam... and told Him of what happened the other night... How I felt... What I felt.. and it did some good.. yet I still held that restlessness and unease of something deeper and darker within me. I took His advice and went for a walk.. spent time with my children until they all fell asleep from the strain of the journey. Was it a mistake that I ventured to those gathered by the fires??? Perhaps...
I needed to talk to Tarra... yet when I arrived and saw the looks She was giving me... I felt the anger rise inside me and lashed out at Her. Normally a good bitch fest with Her always made me feel better... She would dig deep with Her words.. sometimes we physically fought.. and once done.. I felt.. cleansed. This.. was not to be this night... for some reason.. She wouldnt return the vollies... and instead just left. I have heard among the rumor chain ... many things about Her and a certain Warrior... and thought I am not one to believe until I hear it from the kaiila's mouth.. I am set to wonder if they are true. Am I upset over it?? Not in the least... infact I hope the rumors.. well some of them.. are true.
There are many people I need to right wrongs too and say what needs to be said before it's too late. The end always seems so far away until it's right on top of you... and though you may want it.. need it... reach for it.. you find yourself pushing it away when it comes for you. I cant fight anymore...
I am so tired
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