Lately... things have been muttled... confusing... all my thoughts are rushing by so fast that I sometimes need to grab onto a wagon wheel to keep from falling over. Jerus is on extra duty in the herds... I have been trying to keep up with everything.... We did get to go to Tayco's pyre. I wanted to pull Him aside and just spout off everything I have to tell Him... but I couldnt. Even when He calls me out to the herds to ride with Him... I find the words choking me up... but fight to enjoy the quiet riding and each other's company over the things that swim in my head. I did stand next to Cana and lil Tug after sending our gifts with Tayco for the Skies. When I saw Her... I so wanted to rush to Her and hold Her... hug Her to me and try to take that pain away from Her... but I knew I couldnt. She had to stand tall as we all must and be Tuchuk. I did manage to hold Her hand... I had to at least do something.
It was after the pyre that the drummer's sounded again... and I saw Tanner ride in. I heard very little other than He needed patching up by those of my clan. It is better that the other's do it... Im not His favorite person to deal with. I still say He doesnt like me... but then again.. . Im not an easy Woman to like... at least I wasnt... now.. I dont know. I went in search of Tarra to talk to Her... but couldnt find Her. The feelings are rising back up... the rope... slipping between my fingers again... but Im holding control better than I use too. Even Shi doesnt speak to me much anymore.... I think I hurt Him... more-so than I realize. Time heals all... and I am taking alot of it.
I heard Kam is going to Turia... I want to go with Him... but Im sure that would be as welcomed as a thorn in the ass. Besides the fact Jerus would tann my hide for even suggesting I leave His proximity. I notice Jax disappears alot... and I have my suspicions that He is reporting back to Jerus often. I dont mind... I think it's good. Keeps me in line more.
I need to go and kidnap Tug for a night or three... let Cana get some sleep... Im up with the twins anyway or at least till Jerus comes in from the herds. He is still the sexiest... meanest Tuchuk around.
I dont think He ever lost that title.... or... ever will
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