Somewhere between falling off the ledge in the cave.. and waking up this morning... my life turned upside down.. inside out.. and backwards. What the fetch started all this... Skies.. I wish I knew. Was it the dreams?? Was it just that I hadnt slept in 4 days and my mind was playing tricks on me? Is it just one? Or all a combination. I just dont know.
Shi... pushed me beyond my limits yesterday. He did come to talk to me... well He talked.. I nodded.. shook my head.. grunted... refussing to give Him the satisfaction of speaking. I know He found it funny to have me silenced.. and I know He thought I couldnt abide by the punishment placed. He also knows now... I can. Shi brought me to Requiem's camp again. And again they started their banter. Challenge of the Kur's.... bickering back and forth... and they say we Women are bad. But somewhere... in the middle of this... Shi gave me permission to talk again. At first I didnt feel like it... that is... until Shi began to challenge me on an emotional level. After listening to Req talk of His bloodline... and those of my past... including Hawks and Steel... I felt ill.. I wanted to run.. I tried to... but I was repeatedly brought back and subjected to the worse pain Ive felt without ever being touched. Did He honestly think I would just scream and cry and that would be the end of it? No... some pain runs far too deep and cannot be forced to quickly. Tarra taught me this... She is wise in many things.. and I heard Her in my head as Shi kept nagging at me. he Wanted me to... unleash on Req... that which I never got to say to His Father, Steel. I wanted too... but I was more emotional drawn to chewing Shi's ass for placing me in this situation. And chew I did.. chewed.. pulverized.. and spit out. I ached so badly.. I could barely stand up. I hurt.. so much deeper than before and I could feel that which I had surpressed so long begin to fester up from the pit of stomach. Perhaps the day will come when I can speak to Req and maybe tell Him things that might help me. But that is my decision... no one elses. Requiem is not Steel... saying what I want.. will not bring anyone back.. and in truth will probably not make me feel any better.
When my tirade on Shi ended.. I began to walk away.. I felt the shadows wrapping around me... all went dark. I awoke an Ahn later... with Jax by my side. He told me I was carried back to the wagon and He would watch over me for the night. I felt relief in His company... especially with Jerus on detail and away again. I tried to sleep and a few times.. was able to rest... but the nightmares continued. Flash backs.. vivid memories came flying at me.. haunting.. disturbing... and I sat up in the furs wanting to scream. Jax would reach and touch my arm.. leg... or shoulder.. and I was brought back to the now.
As the night closes in again... I can feel in my chest the tightening of darkness to surround me. There is no where to hide from it... no way to escape it. It is just something that must run it's course. It is life.. and it is death....
but I'll be dammed if Im going to be a puppet for their amusement.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment