Where have I been... good question. I dont know. I dont care. Jerus is off on a long detail... the only one that noticed was tanya. damn slave. Much as I want to hate her.. beat her.. kill her... at least she pops in and see's if Im ok.
Why have I been in hiding... another good question. Things... are muttled right now. Im dealing with old memories.. feelings... some that are so consuming.. I fear my reaction to things.
Ive kept up on the news.. the gossip via the mill. Interesting... a persons perspective when they step back and watch things unfold around them. Does any of this matter? No... not really. Not unless it affects the Tribe.. the People... in some bad way. Ive seen this before.. and I will see it again.. maybe... perhaps.. I dont know.
So Silken... where DID you go? I took Dakota and Shanay to meet Requiem. Would Jerus approve? Im not sure... honestly.. I hope He would. The meeting went.... so-so. Dakota has the reasoning of Jerus and my attitude. Dakota sized up Req...stood up to Him and for several tense moments... I wondered when steel would be drawn. I was thankful that Req didnt goad Kota into a fight but let Him speak and listened to what He had to say. Shanay and I stood at a distance to let the Men be Men without the interfearance of Women. Jax stayed with us while Jort remained near Dakota. I have thought to ask Jort what was said... but perhaps this is something left between brother's. When Dakota and Req grasped each other's arms and shook... I knew everything would be alright. At least.. for this moment. Dakota had to return to training.. so He left Shanay to now greet their newly found brother. Jax was glued to Her side much like Jerus does with me. I stayed in my spot as Jort joined me. We spoke of the day... the bosk... the grass and the Sky... but my Motherly instinct always keep a gaze on my daughter. There were smiles and tears... and some laughter from the two... finally Shanay leaned in and they hugged. Were the twins finally free of some unsettled business about their birth Father? I can only hope. I dont want them to live with what I do. Req was there when Steel died.... He can answer many questions. But... now it comes to... Do I truely want to know? Or would I rather just stay convinced that He didnt care.... is it easier to know this... or to know what He honestly felt in His heart as He took His last breath.
Skies... there are so many questions.
I do want to talk to Req... but I fear I may break... crack under the strain and pressure... and I cannot have a meltdown infront of Him. No... I must be strong. There is much to be weighed and considered. Things I want.. and things I dont want. I dont know how much time I have left. If Req is anything like His Father... He will pack up and disappear without a word. Can I withstand that again? Having the chance to know... and then having it ripped away? Can I stop the anger towards this young Man... for what His Father did to me. I have no blood ties to Him... but can I deny that I feel something towards Him... as the Son of my former Mate. And.. if I allow those feelings to surface... can I watch Him leave.. knowing I may never see Him again.
Requiem doesnt want any trouble... as my first instinct thought. Req searches for the past.. perhaps like I do. Not to change it.. but to let it go. He has a Mate. He has a life. I wish Him and His Mate well. But.. damnit... what about me??!! When is someone going to care that I have feelings too.. that I hurt....
........... Am I selfish?
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