If ever... I needed my family and friends... it is now. Last night was more than revelations and purging of the soul... it drained from me.. something that had wound it's way into my guts.. around all organs and permiated my very being.
Jerus is off on a very long detail... it will be at least four months till He can be at the fires again... though I am thankful for His whispers on the winds... He loves me... He misses me... that is blessing from the Skies.
Now.. back to last night. Shi found me at the river... where I had been spending time... isolated, thinking back on many things though more of the bad than good. I had sent tanya to find Requiem. It was time. I needed to talk... I needed to hear that which may just set me free once more. I got that.. and so much more. Shi stayed as Req. and I spoke. I vented my anger towards Hawks and Steel on their bloodline. Poor Req. a split lip and a bruised jaw was the debt He paid. He even said that His Father offered His death should I want it. I couldnt possibly. Still.. I was blocked and guarded by that wall I had built... I couldnt let the words flow as I needed for such a purge. So... slipping into my mind.. I envisioned the circles I walked many turnings ago with Hawks. I passed each stage and emerged to the inner circle. I saw them both there... and.. ashamed.. I wanted them back. Selfishly... I wanted to be with them. Requiem's voice reached me... and I listened to Steel's final wishes. I know now what happened that day... I know why He left me and why He had to without words. He did it for me. He loved me so deeply but He still stuck to His vows... and died with the honor due Him. He loved me.. THEY loved me... against what their life as a Tuchuk should have consisted of. They wanted me.. they cared for me.. and my smile made them happy. Their teachings are not forgotton.. nor will they ever be. They are proud of me.... they still love me, protect me.. guide me... all I need to do is listen without the hate and anger.. they are there. Live and love freely again, Silkenhawk. How I need to be able to do this.
This was not by far easy for me to hear. I could have replenished the Thassa with the buckets of tears I shed... but they came.. easily.. willingly and openly. For a moment.. I felt weak... but with Req's hand within mine... I found the strenght that Hawks and Steel would expect from me. I am.. their creation. I am... Silken. They molded me into what a Woman should be.. but they did not expect the flaws that came with their parting with the vessles new owner. This final rough draft... is Jerus' addition to the creation. To repair the flaws and make this vessle whole again. Make this Woman what She was intended to be... smoothing out the rough spots so She may emerge new.. whole and proud. There will be bumps in the clay along the way... but I know... and they know... soon.. this long worked piece of living art will be complete.
Requiem's words are forever etched to my soul along with all the other bits of information and things that make me... me. I may have cursed the Sky and the earth for Him finding His way back to me... now... I embrace the fact that I forgive.. and I live... and I will die by my promises. I will one day ride the winds with those of the past... they wait for me. Until then.... I will make them proud.
The bricks Ive placed around me come down... piece by clay piece. Each is heavy with it's own burden that I have lived with. It will take time... effort and stumbling... but the wall will be removed.
For the first time in a hundred turnings... I can say openly to another being...
I am scaired.. please... help me.
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