If I had gained any sense of being... any sense of worth... knowledge... pride.... It was taken from me yesterday. Was it done on purpose?? No... I dont think so. I would hate to think that the one's I loved and trusted.. the one's that offered me their shoulders to cry on... or a helping hand... would do something like that to me with the intent. After all... Kam told me... I did nothing wrong.. no one blamed me. So then... why was I raked over the coals and burnt? I stood before Fonce... I answered questions publically that never should have been openly aired. Why? Because He says what was started in public will end in public. I never started anything in public... I never aired my dirty laundry in public. Yes I spoke quietly with my family when they inquired of something... I will not run off behind a wagon each time someone asks me something... or maybe now I will.
I am mortified... embarassed.. dumbfounded... humiliated and just plain sick over what happened. Kam is pissed off at me. I know why and I understand why... but He is wrong in the reason. Fonce asked me to give Him one good reason why Shi should remain a Guardian. I gave Him one. Fonce told me twice during the conversation that we were dealing with the issue of the belt, so with that mindset, I answered accordingly. "I am not the easyist person to guard... at least Shi tried" He tried.. tried to... attempted. Didnt work out. You can only guard that which wants guarding.. I.. do not. Advise? Yes... counsil... yes. I am NOT a baby... I dont need a sitter. This in no way meant to hinder to squash Kam. Kam did come to me a few days after the incident to offer His advice and talk with me. Kam is a busy Man and giving Him the reins to watch over me was not fair. Kam has lessons to teach... and is very active otherwise... and.. He is mated to Chay... that in itself is a full time job. I never went to Him unless it was something big that I could not figure out myself... I did not ever want to bother Him. So now... He took offense to what I said and has walked away from the job. Fonce said to notify Jerus... which Im sure He will. And when Jerus finds out.. Im done. It will be seen as me causing another problem and I know what the consequenses are for that. I turned and begged Kam.. "dont" when I heard Him say He washed His hands with me. I was given a glare by Chay... and a warning not to ask. I was not about to fight with Chay.. Kam.. or Fonce. I simply turned and left with my tail between my legs already from the disgusting trial I had somehow been put on. I walked to the plains and suddenly dropped to my knees... leaning over and wretched violently for several Ehn. What just happened??? I couldnt keep that thought from me.... each time the senario ran through my head I felt the rise of bile from my stomach. I know I had begun a road back to me... to being what I once was... I was doing good. I know this because... Kam told me so. So what the fluck happened? I knew it was coming... I knew someone would be the blackbosk... I tried to leave when they were talking to Shi... I should have. This way I wouldnt have been filleted.. gutted and grilled infront of my friends.
I know why Jerus does what He does... but that is no one's business but ours.
How can I show my face after this.......
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