Page 194 (9/29/2007) Distorted reflection

In the mirror is where I find you,
longing to be free.
If only you could find truth,
of who you want to be.
When I look into your eyes,
is it me you really see?
Or is it cloudy through your lies,
can I still be free?
Open your eyes,
I see right through them.
Half-truths and lies,
Is all its ever been.
You justify,But I'm tired of the truth.
That you don't think I know.
Sharp words find their way smooth,
slippery off your tongue.
They pour like oil from you,
but they burn within your lungs.
They never see it coming,
your sword beneath your cloak.
That darkness that you're bringing,
to the hearts that you've broke.

My night was quiet. Shi was nowhere to be found... He musta been off tending something. I had a visit from Saresh. We sat and talked a good long time. It felt good to just talk and be listened to and responded to.. maybe even agreed with instead of being met with a wall of self-analyization. So when He left I headed back into my wagon and made some tea. I thought back on many things... some I would change... most I would not... and the issue of my "ways" was heavy in the forefront.
Would I change me ever being a slave. No. I truely believe this gives me an advantage over some. I have expierenced that which many Women never will. Ohhhh they say they would rather die before being a slave... yet those same Women.. once behind the covered canvas of their wagons with their Mate's.. become secret slaves. Wanton.. lustfull whores to the Man they love. Is this wrong? Absolutely not. Who wouldnt want to writhe and submit to the Man that holds their heart... their soul. Now... Im not saying they wear a collar... or silks... or drop to their knees and beg, no.. of course not. Some do, Im sure... but there are many ways a Woman can show their submissivness to their partner.
I have had the luxury of being able to express such in the open.. carefree and unconcerned of what other's might think. I have had that freedom and that knowledge. It makes me very confident of who I am. I have no need to hide the fact that I wore steel for many years... I was leader of the pack, so to speak... and I enjoyed it. Ask any Woman if She was ever a slave... You'll get three answers... If they were not.. You'll get a calm, no. If they were and were hiding it.. You'll get a no and probably a punch in the face. If they were and they are proud of it.. You'll get a yes and a smile. Most everyone knows I was a slave so why try to hide it? I hold no shame. I was good at what I did and I served well. I served the People from my knees... now I serve them standing. What changed? Nothing... other than my mind set in that I talk upright and with alittle more freedom to my words and vocabulary. I still enjoy the company of other's. I still yearn for attention. We as Women would not be among the Tuchuk Warrior's if we didnt crave that control these Men provide. They are not some City Male who just passes us off as a trinket.. providing coin to go shopping for pretty baubles.. dresses...robes... and slippers. No... our Men demand a haughty high spirited Woman who can stand up to them... test their limits.. push their buttons... knowing they can reel us back in at their whims. We are Women that can look at a Man and say.. Fuck You with our eyes and still be smiling. We can rip and shread a Man apart with our words... but they dont quite understand what just happened till they lie in their furs Ahn's later and suddenly sit up saying... "Holy Boskshit ! She got me! " Yes.. we can.. and we do. There are very few confrontations over the toss of words at the fires between Man and Woman. Only because it takes the Male brain longer to sort and file everything that happened. Women are more devious and plan everything. Men act immediately and dont dwell. You take two Women fighting.. bickering... even coming to physical attacks. This could last for days.. even weeks. Even after they have been pulled apart and seperated... they could run into each other days later and be right back at that moment.. scratching.. biting.. hitting... cursing... a bitch fest... and still it is not over. You take two Men... they exchange words over an issue.. come to blows... punching each other in the face... pummeling their bodies in a spar. Then they are off in the Paga wagon no less than an Ahn later.. drinking as if they were best friends. See? The male mind cannot think back or forward much past the present. For Men it is.. everything Now. For Women it is... wait and strike.. plan and attack. Total annihilation.
Its an interesting way of life... but it is life...
Give and take... take and give....
That is my control.
and it is mine.