When the wagons stopped for the night.... Kota and Shanay readied our small personal camp. The youngin's found a board and barrel and made a see-saw. I sat on the wagon steps and watched them go up and down... over and over. I suddenly realized that it was like my life. Up and down ... up and down.. and sometimes... the other person you shared it with jumped off when you were up and sent you crashing down to the ground. Your alone... and there is nothing you can do about it. You cant get back up without another person. So may as well stay comfortable there on the ground. If your lucky you stayed upright... but most of the time your sprawled out prone... flat on your back.
So... just get over Jerus... isnt that the majority of what people are thinking? Boskshit. I'll get over it... and Him when I damn well feel like it... and I dont.. so I wont.. so fuck off. Im tired of hearing it... Im tired of being reminded Jerus is dead... Im tired of being told to deal with it.... Im sick of being told He would want me to live. Know what? Maybe I just dont fucking want to. Who are these people to tell me how to live? Who are they to think they know what I feel? Sure.. some have gone through a similar situation in losing a Mate... even a soul Mate.. but their situation will never be the same as mine... nor mine to theirs.
Im tired of being alone... Im tired of being with people. This isnt fair to Shi. He's been too good a friend and companion to put Him through this anymore. He deserves better. I am incapable of the love He needs.... He is unable to give me what I need. He does not deserve to be the victim of my wrath... my sharp tongue... or my hatred. He is a Man... He has pride... it is not my right to take that from Him. He did not fail... I did. In no fault of His own... this is all me. All my fault. Shi has nothing to be sorry for. He tried. I am simply... unacceptable.
The fevers are more frequent now.... The lapses in memory coming more often... the fits of rage common... and now the tremors... all signs of the building tolorance to the leaves. I know this... but I cant stop it... not just yet. Those few moments of peace... calm... serenity... are much more important. I can stop... I know I can... just.... not yet.
I don't want to close my eyes... I don't want to fall asleep cause I miss you baby, and I don't want to miss a thing.cause even when I dream of you... the sweetest dream would never do,I still miss you baby, and I don't want to miss a thing.
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