I havent seen Shi in many days. I mean I havent seen nor heard from Him either. Now... with the move upon us... it is not uncommon for a Man to be off doing this and that.. but why can the other's find time to be at the fire's for a time? Ive even seen our great leader at the fire's... and He has time for people. I am confused.
I have come to know that.... Im am just down right odd. For the longest time... I have felt nothing.. nothing at all. Not happy... not sad. Not angry or neutral. Ive also realized the reason for the kanda. It was not to mask the feelings I thought I had harbored with Jerus' death... but it was so that I could feel something. Anything! I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. Many have asked me why I am still with Shi, if I complain so much about His absense. Because... I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. Why do I put myself through this torment.. why not just end it and move on? Because... I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
So... there you have it. I like pain. I enjoy pain. Pain is the most exciting feeling. It tingles the flesh... it draws raw, physical emotion from the body. It takes you to realms that most would not or could not imagine. It is sexual. It is NOT wrong. If I asked some of the Women if they enjoyed it... I am sure I would be lied to. I know and see a few that enjoy it. In different ways... from different providers... but I know they do.
None can judge me.. less they be judged also. To understand me... is to solve a riddle wrapped in an enigma. To finally break my codes and understand just what lies beneath the surface of me... might be a thought too scary for most. But it is there... waiting and wanting. I dont think it is wise to let the true me loose... not yet... not till Im more stable and in understanding of my own soul. Im just learning it myself. Until then.. I continue to live as a shell. Till I can figure it all out. Till I can deal with it properly and not risk certain freedoms.
I'd still rather feel pain than nothing at all.
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