Done alot of thinking in my time. Especially now with all that's happened. Thankfully.. most of the bad stuff is in the past.. and it grows easier day by day to open my eyes and face the world. The tremors have lessened greatly.. as have the twitches. Ive been tending to minor cuts.. sprains and muscle strains.. but Im itching to get back to the more in depth healing now.
So... Ive been thinking... of how people have been telling me that in order for me to be happy... I must be happy for myself. I must not rely on another for my happiness. If this is true.. Im eternally doomed. I do value the joy other's bring into my life... and I do need it.. almost like I needed the paga or kanda. I know this... because Shi was able to come to the wagons when I was awake or not working and we got to spend some time together. I did try to smooth things out with Him... but it still felt so alien. Shi... is Shi. He will always be that cold Man of little words... He deals with actions. So what does one do when not even the actions quench desires. When actions are limited to simple jestures. Im fustrated. No.. Im not comparing Him to anyone... but I am wishing He was more open and caring. He is the epitomy of a straight and narrow Warrior. I cant ask Him to change... and now in truth.. I dont think He ever will. This leaves me to believe I am forever stuck in this torment of wanting and needing. I am not a slave... not anymore... I cannot just beg Him for a touch or more than just a kiss. Ive given hints.. Ive given inklings as to the fact that I wanted more... but they are met with nothing. I found myself making lists.... comparing my likes and wants to His... and they are so profoundly different... Im wondering if this is really going to work. I am a very passionate.. vibrant Woman... He is reserved and monotone. Does this mean I want to change Him? No. He is who He is. Not even the likes of me could make Him something He wasnt. When He wants to be He is funny and makes me laugh... but most of the time He is so serious. Maybe that's my doing.... maybe it's my fault He doesnt seem to have an interest in me. I feellike a notch in the belt... or an adornment to the wagon... a conquored quest just for looks. Nothing I do invokes a reaction... at least a good one. Perhaps this is why I am so bosk brained... is that inner part of me screaming so loud for attention that it helps me do these stupid things??
We are two totally different Tuchuks... we clash.. we have always clashed. We fight... we bicker... but now... now that I am His... He just seems to be satisified that no matter what I say or do... He knows that after He walks off... and then when He returns.. I will still be at His wagon.
No matter what happens... I know I tried... I know He tried... we both did what we could... maybe it just wasnt meant to be like this between us. Maybe we were just destined to be close friends for life... and nothing more. I do know my feelings grow more and more simplier each day... eventually...
they will just fade away.
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