Page 230 (11/18/2007) It's just me again

When you have come to the edge of all the light you have
And step into the darkness of the unknown
Believe that one of the two will happen to you
Either you'll find something solid to stand on
Or you'll be taught how to fly!

A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.

Everything had been moved.. and now I settle in to my new spot where my wagons are. The children took pride in placing their wagons and even though it was hardly a long trip.. maybe a few Ehn at the most.. they all needed to rearrange and make "house". Jax was a great help.. as was Enu.. Raz and Seth. Seth stayed behind to help me with the bosk and return them to graze. Im sure each one of them was like.. ohhh no... we just got here.. not again... no moving !
My shoulders ached from lifting the trunks and dragging them up the steps. I wanted to help and keep my mind busy.. but Seth wouldnt allow this and grabbed hold of the trunk to be placed in the Nightmare. He asked me where I wanted it and I just pointed to a spot. No amount of repositioning made it comfortable in that spot. Perhaps it was my mind that is disheavled and not the damn trunk. I sat on the platform.. and we talked.. Seth spoke about Jerus... I spoke about Shi. But neither in great detail... only points of order and things that remained questions... seems neither of us could answer. I was still dwelling on the fact that Shi hadnt bothered to come to me before going to Fonce with this order.. even Saresh knew before me. I dont take kindly to being left in the dark on matters such as this. But I suppose someone has to be the bad guy... even though it is my fault. Shi beat me to the punch... I still would have had the integrity to go to Him and not do it behind His back. This slap in the face just down right stings.
Anyway...
Seth listened while I ranted and vented. He gave me an ear to ramble to. It was nice to be listened to and not brushed off. It was refreshing to be talked to.. not at. He told me then... how He had never been released from His former job title while under Jerus' employ. I asked Him what it was... and He said it was to ensure my happiness and my needs. I was about to tell Him that I would do so for Him... and have Him reassigned when He said that He spoke to Jax who is His commander and He asked to stay. I stared at Him for a long time... roaming my gaze over that single red scar on each cheek. I remember the day that Bo ordered it placed... and the other's that received it as well. These Men would turn out to be my detail. My guards... my shadows. None were as tough or ornery as Jax and Jort. They are my nightmares. Now only Jax and the other three remain. Jort is off on His own higher command and the other's ventured out to different commands as well. I do not expect Saresh to provide for me... that isnt His job. So I felt Seth capable of such. Enu has a new baby and Raz tends the bosk. Jax see's to the children.
I knew once the word was sent out that the looks and the idea's would start. I was already expecting the comments.. the glares.. the stares. Ole Silky girl fucked up again. But... how many more are waiting... waiting in line to take me as a trophy. A pretty adornment to their wagon. I know Saresh will not allow me to just be up and claimed. I am sure of this. I dont know if Shi and I will work things out. By the looks of how He ended it... I would say He too has washed His hands in this chapter and with me. Tarra asked me for another another promise... that I would find myself.. that I would take the time to really look at who I was.. what I was. And I agreed to do such. I know She will help me with what She can.. as will other's.
Fonce said.. It will take a certain Man to rein me in and take control of what I possess. He is right and wise in this. I only wonder and look out over the vastness of the plains and try to imagine if this Man really exists. If He does.. where is He? Or am I looking to far away... maybe He is in the outer wagons... maybe at the outpost... maybe in the wagon I just moved out of.... maybe He is right under my nose. This thought alone is what made Seth's words to me even more unbelieveable. All I could say was...
your kidding me... right?