If I had to pick a direction.. I dont think I could walk it. Today just fucking sucked. Started out with some ass that was at the fires and using my name to have fun with. I introduced myself to Him as was proper I suppose... and He said what kind of name is Silken.. was it a description of a part of my body? He called me Silky one.. Silken thighs and whatever else I dont recall... I think I gave up listening. Chay showed up and She too got into a verbal scuffle with the ass. Saresh called Him a verr fucker... guess that's what attracts some of these so called Tuchuk's to the city. How the conversation came up about collars and all.. I dont remember. But it did. And Chay just floored me by embarassing me to no end in front of Polunu and a Prospect Female. The only reason I didnt fly off the handle.. was because I know Chay ... that She knows no better and speaks what is on Her mind. She asked me if the reason I acted like a slut at the fires was because I wasnt afraid of a collar.. or because I wanted one. My head is still spinning I cant remember the actually wording... but that is something along the lines. Then Polunu added His opinion which for the most part was correct. No.. Im not afraid of a collar. No.. I dont want one. I was how I was. How I am now or will be in the future... I dont know that either. I know I dont want to live as a slave.. but if the circumstances arose to such... I wouldnt be so shocked as most would be. Just like Women that cant understand me.. I dont understand them either. But Im not here to understand them. I finally walked away before I resorted to my old self and started yelling and screaming about it. I wont do that in front of other people anymore. If there is something that needs discussing.. I will gladly do so in private.
I have a feeling Chay was none too happy about Kam taking over my Guardianship. In Her answer to me alone that if I screwed up.. my ass would be Her's leads me to believe I am unwanted. I dont need a Guardian anyway. Ive said this over and over.. but Fonce and even Kam forced the issue that it is the way it is and there was nothing I can do about it. So... if they insist on treating me like a 4 year old.. why should I act differently? Its all well and good though. I asked Fonce to be removed from Saresh so I wouldnt cause waves between Him and Mayala.. and since I have to have a Guardian.. I will do what I must to keep myself out from under Kam and Chay. I will avoid them... as much as it kills me. I will stay away from the fires and from embarassing them. I will isolate myself from everyone so that nothing can be construed wrong or given fuel to the fire to anger either one of them. I have no choice.. no road to go down... no direction to follow... so I choose the safe way.. for now. Until someone can give me the direction that I can follow... a place to be where I am NO ONE's responsibility. Just my own person to judge. I dont want to be anyone's baggage. Im not anyone's burden....
yet... now.. I am.
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