I paced the wagon and my small camp site for Ahn's... trying to make sense out of all that had happened. I was not angry at Chay for Her words to me. But I did want to know why She would say such... had She too become a victim of listening to rumors and worse.. believing them? I would never think to tell Her of how some think She is trying to be a Man by being a Hunter. Infact... the thought of such towards Her never even crossed my mind... until last night. I wanted to lash back at Her with a burst of things that I could question... but I did not. I take solace in knowing that if I had done anything wrong... that my actions or words were perceived to be an offense.. I know that at least Fonce would have come forward to talk to me about it. Yes.. I walk that invisable line at times... Polunu seems to think because I am lonely. But in that aspect He is wrong. I am a happy person mostly. I enjoy people.. I am confidant in myself that I can flirt. I know where to stop it.. and I know who not to do it too. If by now.. people do not know that I am a diehard flirt.. then they havent had their eyes open. I love those that I trust.. I love my family... I love my friends. I am secure in being able to run and tackle Fonce... lick His cheek. I am safe knowing I once could sit in Saresh's lap and we could tease each other at the fires. But when I tackle Falon.. or Cana... or Tarra and do the same... nothing is said. Yet.. the feelings and emotions are the same. The difference is... this is all done in public and for the amusement of those around. So... why.. if I tackle a Man.. am I a slut... and if I tackle a Woman.. I am seeking attention? These questions were what haunted me for Ahn's upon Ahn's. I finally gave into the cramping of my legs from the pacing and retired to my furs where the onslaught of questions grew more intense with the silence and non-movement to somewhat occupy my conscious thought. Somewhere in the early Ahn's of morning... my brain shut down and I gave into sleep. Though light and restless.. I started to feel that.. vortex once more pulling me down into a spiral. Spinning faster and faster till even in my faint veil of sleep I felt as if I would throw up. As quickly as it started.. it began to slow and the darkness faded. A soft light shone and I began to feel warmth. I was aware of being asleep.. and then suddenly I heard Her voice.... my Sister.. Tarra. I know I smiled.. I had missed Her and needed Her... She must have felt it. Her words were gentle and calm... She told me to trust in myself... in my heart and spirit... that I was needed... and that my family needed me. Not to be embarassed.. for I had grown much. She told me to find the warmth of my strenght in my fire and in the love within me... to remember all She taught me... Trust me.... She said in closing. With that.. She faded away and left me with those words. I dont know if I woke up right after that... but it was morning. I was drentched but I felt rested. Sitting up in my furs.. I went to push back the errant loose blood red curls from my face. I felt something press between my palm and cheek and drew my hand down to look. Resting in my grip was a red feather. I was somewhat shocked and looked around at first... but Tarra's words came rushing back to me and hit me smack in the face. Again... I smiled. I was not sure just what this meant.. or why She left it.. at least.. not yet. But nothing was ever cut and dry with my Sister. There was a reason for this... a gift... and I would not let it go. Whatever She had seen that caused Her to come to me in my dreams... was important. I took that feather and some thin binding and poked a needle through the shaft of it. Drawing the binding through and tying it off... I then knotted the ends to a twist of hair at my scalp just behind the ear. The rest of my hair was braided and I dressed. Her words still haunted me... and when I felt the puzzlement of questions begin to cover me and suffocate me.. I fell back on Her advice. It was still going to be a long road ahead... but I knew that my Sister had my back.. and She was helping me.
I have always trusted Tarra.... I trust Her.. with my life.
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