I came across tanya at the stream. It is not like me to just hide in the shadows and listen to the banter of a slave. I do it with the Free... cause well.. I like to be a bitch. But.. something made me pause and just.. watch... listen. Perhaps it was in her movements or just the poise of her body that told me something was wrong... very.. very wrong. I have no expierence in dealing with slaves.. other than my own feelings and emotions. Reading such in another is a whole new barrel of jit's. Again.. something bothered me. I watched her... I watched her hands and how they seemed to strain against an unseen torment. she jerked her arms and slapped them to her sides... then snapped a rather foul looking gaze up to the sky. It was then I saw her tears. her beautiful tear stained face.. agonizing pain in her eyes. I knew this feeling... all too well. Words came forth from her lips... they were the words of a frightened child... scared.. confused. They even struck me as violent though they spoke nothing of the sort. For the first time in my life.... I feared for tanya. she was the last remaining bauble I connected with Jerus. she was Jerus'.. in every sense of the word. And now... I saw a woman that was dying.... decaying from within... crushed under the weight that was..... me. A Woman. tanya is a Man's slave.... not the work bosk of a Woman.... she needs the touch.. the control of a Man... and one that she can strive to live and love with. I felt as though I was losing my daughter all over again to a life of slavery. I wanted to run to her and gather her up and tell her everything would be alright. Stay with me... I wanted to scream. Dont leave me too... I wanted to cry. I could do neither. I simply stood there and listened to her plea... a plea that probably was not meant for me to ever hear. Yet.. when she was done... I approached. she was moritified and fell to her knees... sprawling out over the grass at my feet. I was angry.. but I soon relented to calm and crouched to touch her gently.. petting her hair. It was then she begged me to be sold. I asked her why and she said in fear of dishonoring me. This wasnt about me... but it was about Jerus. I knew it.. but I did not want to increase this girl's anguish anymore than I had already done. I did ask her.. what if I said no. Without thought nor recourse.. she simply stated.. she would then runaway... or worse. Now... I was angry again. I grabbed her up by the arm and drug her back to my wagons where she was chained by the ankle. I informed her I would need to think on things.. and took to sit by my fire. her whimpering grew to irritate me and I had to resort to gagging her... even pushed her under the wagon and threatened her with bodily harm if I so much as saw or heard from her again. I left the wagons... seeking out Kam.. who... once I found Him.. I could not bring myself to speak to Him. My prior promise of not bothering Him flashed back into my mind. I then turned to Fonce... who... once I found Him... we were not alone long enough to even get my question out. Damn it. The only one left to ask was Seth and He was so fucking busy with doing things for the Tribe... that I hadnt seen Him in days.
What was I going to do now? I dont know. How can I even consider giving tanya away? The only girl I even allow around me... though why she puts up with my beatings and harsh words... is beyond me. I do know it will be impossible to find her another master. Why? Because like me....
her heart is still bound to Jerus
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