I think it's broken. Maybe badly damaged. It sure aint acting right. I know it feels.. I know it hurts... but somewhere along the lines... I broke my heart. It started with a discussion with Mayala. Simple enough.. I noticed a few things with Her and treated them medically. I didnt need to ask.. Ive seen bruises long enough to pretty much tell what caused them. I was able to give Her a pack to warm up and ease the swelling and brusing. She looked much better later that night. The conversation turned to.... Me.. and started with a question... How many times have I been Mated. Four.. I answered. Mayala asked.. What happened to them? Three died... one disappeared after dissolving the mating, I said. I had to urge Mayala to ask the question to follow.. She didnt want to speak it at first.. but finally came out with it. Did you kill any of them Silken? I wish I could have laughed. I wanted to. But something just stuck me deep in my chest.. and I nodded. I was pretty sure.. at least right at that moment that I had killed one. Not with my hands.. but with my heart. It wasnt until later that I learned.. I was so very wrong. I had not killed... but instead.. I kept Him alive. Still.. I was not strong enough to make it last. I think a part of me will always blame myself.. for not being there.. for not going.. for living after. It is easier now to see past the anger and saddness... in just a few simple words.. I learned much. Much that had been tormenting me these past years. I have Seth and Jort to thank for the realization. As I listened to the words I had longed to hear all this time... I started to cry. I hadnt done that since Jerus' pyre. It was short... ending before it really started. But it at least.. started. I just wish I could blubber like an idiot. I want to cry till I cant breath.. till my eyes swell up... till my neck is wet and snot is running out my nose. Till I cant talk without gasping... till I cant stand anymore and just drop to my knees. Funny thing to want.. isnt it? I believe that if I could purge this from me... my heart would mend. Somehow.. pull itself back together... fuse whole once more. I think it's trying. I feel something. I just dont know what it is... a fine line between feeling.. and numbness.
odd thing about lines...
Ive always crossed them.. Ive always danced the danger...
but this time...
this time...
the line is between life.... and death.
And Im leaning further and further towards one.
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