Page 58 (11/8/2006) Smite me almighty smiter

So.. the events of last Eve.. needless to say left me in a whirlwind of emotions. I can say this... I found time to sneek away from the wagon and have a talk with Bo. Much as that Man and I butt heads over things and during some points in our life we would love to tear each other to shreads.. I always wind up loving Him more. It is true what Jerus said.. that to me.. Bo is like a brother... and I guess in a way.. I revel in that competition between siblings with Him... but I also must learn to curve the attitude with Him for He deserves more respect now than ever. Jerus had me sit down and reflect on what happened and what I could have done differently. I suppose I could have done alot different. Like not letting a Woman of self driven infactuation invade my thoughts and responding openly with thoughts that seemed to insult other's. I am sorry for what I said.. and I wish I could take it back... but all in all.. what I said wasnt an insult to those past... just that I didnt think they needed to be brought up in lashing out. Yes I called a Woman a bytch.. that.. I meant. I wont appologize for that ever. Jerus has also advised me to avoid those that try to stir the crap up.. like certain Women, like that candy ass Free Woman, who's about as interesting as watching two dug beetles roll a turd across the ground and a certain pud-knocker slave who's as intelligent as a sewer dwelling urt. They think they can better other's when the rest are laughing behind their backs.... I.. was always one that spoke my mind.. truth laidened.. even though it may hurt. I see now that people use me for this trait... perhaps to say what they cant..what they want too knowing that I will get my arse beat for it. Does it truely please them that I should get the backlash... no.. but I can consider myself a scapebosk. Jerus told me to be silent. Some may consider that as I am not willing to stand up before other's.. how wrong they are. Shows the mentality of these hounds. I watch the Men dancing like on egg shells around this Woman who claims innocence... too bad they want just one thing. Hump and dump... always the way with people of ill repute. I will try harder not to be such in the future. Keeping my opinions to myself... and keeping other's opinions in the back of my mind. It is truely amazing how some people think their crap dont stink... yet people run to me and tell me things about these people and I think.. so.. why not just say it and let this go? Why harbor it.. let it fester till you cant enjoy life? Cause they dont have the guts or balls to do it.. that's why. When Men are ticked off they say so.. they tell other's when someone is being a boskarse. Live by your honor... if ya screw up. say so and let it be done. Which brings me back to Bo... no matter how bad things get.. how mad He gets at me.. we can always hash things out.. either agreeing to disagree or finally seeing the right and correct way things were meant to be. I know Im a thorn in His side.. I am brassy.. it is upbringing. But Ive also learned to hide that now. I can sit back and laugh now at the insecurities of other's.. and the desperate.. feeble attempts to draw the spotlight to them... and though I may know differently.. let them think they are the larl's meow. How sad it is. But it is not my place to help them anymore. I will avoid these people as if they had Dar-Kosis, giving them the time of day but nothing more. Let them hang.. let them make fools of themselves and laugh silently in my thoughts like the others. Jerus has taught me to control my anger... and I have done wonderfully.. it was a moment of relapse that ailed me last eve. I am aware.. and I am in control. My priorities are Jerus.. my children and my Tribe. This petty squabbling is not my concern and will not be anymore. Its not my business. I have a Mate that loves me for me.. not for the false ideals and personas that some put on to impress or win other's over. The honest ones can truely be seen. Mine is a raw and untamed sprit... but that will only be a memory now. There is but one that will see the true Silken... the rest.. can just wonder when and if it will surface. I may call Bo.. or Jerus.. or any other one I love a hard headed boskarse... but terms of endearments can be taken many ways. I love them from the ends of the plains and back.. and would rather die than hurt them. Control... control is the issue. The Masks need their Spex and they will have Her. And though I could prolly never say this to Him face to face... Thanks Bo. for seeing things and taking the time to understand and at least talking to me about them. You'll never know what that means to me. I have to go and check on Tarra... then get more things ready at the BM camp for the move. New responsibilities.. new outlook. Wish me luck.