It is hard to be me. Hard to live as one thing and be another. At times... I dont know who I am. And mostly.. I want to run and hide till I can figure out just who this Woman is with the flaming red hair and the attitude to match. I catch glimpses of this Woman now and then... in the clean bottom of a skillet... in the glint of a sword.. or a calm pool of water.... and I stare at Her. She has brillant eyes.. mystical... wise... but so distant. Very few breath life into those orbs. The dark flutter of long lashes veil the secrets She holds in those mirrors... not to many know those secrets.. that have now turned to be Her demons. Her voice is haunting.. when She isnt yelling... when She is calm.. serene... holding much of the past on it's melody. Then.. there is the other Woman.. the dark one. Hiding behind a veil of blood red curls.. or a dark hood. She speaks little but will cut anyone down that rubs Her the wrong way. She is fearful.. like a child.. and as foolish in desisions. She makes irrational thoughts come to life... never thinking before acting or saying.
Tonight.. the frightened one walked the lands... and when She could no longer handle what the bold one could.. opted to end it all for both. They were lucky that the love of a Sister and Brother could bring the pieces back together and heal the split that tore them apart.
I am under watch now... assigned by Jerus one of my most trusted friends. I cannot leave my wagon without Him... Jax or Jerus. I agreed in the light of being chained instead. I have heard of Tuchuk's going crazy from the move... has this happened to me? The serum to stabilize our bodies... does it work on the mind? Or will that snap without a booster.. especially in my years.... I do not know. My beauty was captured in the prime of my young life... but inside is the aging mind of an old... old Woman. I worry to much. Dwell on things till they consume me. I spoke with Jerus finally... and as I expected He spends 16 of the 20 Ahn's a day in the saddle or tending business with the people. It is an intriquite necessity in our lives.... and I harbor no ill towards Him for it. His touch reminds me of how lucky I am.. and it lasts a lifetime. But without that rein of invisable leash He holds on me to control my demons... I failed. I turned to Tarra and Shi for help... the two that I trust the most with my feelings. The Skies blessed me with them and I love them dearly. Jerus knows He didnt need to ask Tarra to keep an eye on me... and He did ask that Shi increase His watch... stepping down on me when my mind decides to check out and let the dark one up to the plate. it will mean that I must.. relearn myself and my boundries. If any... Shi can do so. Tarra wont take my crap either. She has always kept me in check. And wont have a problem punching me in the face if I have a moment of irrational behavior.
Perhaps with the next split... a new Tuchuk will emerge.. the one that everyone knew... the one with mirth in Her voice.. humor in Her heart and can stand tall and proud in her heritage. It will be a difficult journey... but Im sure one that can be made. Many bumps in the road that need to be overcome... and hopefully.. not allowed to snap into a rage that will leave a trail of bloodshed and body parts. I have found patience... but cannot hold onto for long. I will accept the teachings of those wiser and stronger.
Skies... please dont let me fail again.
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