I am not sure if this is the final chapter in this journal.. or my life. Things went terribly wrong. I recognized my fight to ask Tarra for help... I knew not how to ask Her and I just couldnt get the words "Help me" out to Her. I felt weak and less than a Woman in doing so.. I know now.. I was wrong. It takes a strong person to ask for help... I found my way to do it. It was not perhaps the right way.. but I did it anyway in a moment of desperation. I sent Jax with a scroll to Tarra... that said to take care of my kids.. that I couldnt handle the things that I had to handle. It sounded like I was going to kill myself.. but I knew.. deep down She would come and then there would be no choice but for her to see I needed help. She did.. She came ... and held my hand that gripped my dagger. She took it from me.. and we finally talked. I got much off my chest. I felt good.. I felt better... and I felt the love of my Sister return that somehow.. someway.. got lost in the confusion of life as it was now. Had I really ment to kill myself.. no one would have known... I would have gone off and done it.. I know Tarra would take care of my children if anything ever happened to me... but my plea for help.. as wrong as it was.. was used against me. Tanner chose to air this personal cry without knowing or understanding what also was said between Sister's. He saw it as disprespecting the Tribe and the Tuchuk and yes.. this is true. He said I do not deserve Jerus.. or my children.. or my rights.. that these had been lost. This is also true. I disgust Him.. and rightfully so. So in the light of His revealations... spoke what He had heard discussed between Tarra and Her guard Ulric.. what choice did I have but to submit to Kam as Commander of the Ubar's guards. I relinquished myself to arrest and trial... though it was never ment to come to this.. I did what was law and was expected. I am confined to the wagon... only allowed outside on the platform... to the fire to eat.. or the trenches for nature calls under guard. I deserve it. My plea was not thought out well and I let a rash harsh judgement cloud my thoughts. I should have just stood up as proud as I am and asked Tarra for help. I can do that now... but it is too late. Tanner said He once respected me... if so.. why didnt He.. or anyone else come and ask what was wrong that such drastic measures needed to be taken... before adding Himself to the list of people that say things aloud ment only for certain ears. Could I air things that my guards have told me to those gathered? Yes I could.. but I dont. I hold what is told to me... and if I am concerned or feel an injustice done.. I speak privately to that person. Tanner feels He is right in what He said and did.. and I respect that. How I feel about it no longer matters... my hands are tied now and my life in Fonce's grip. Am I sorry?? yes.. that this was made known public when it was just between Sister's.. I am sorry that Jerus will suffer.. I am sorry that Shi.. Tarra.. Kam.. and Fonce will suffer. I am sorry that my children will suffer. But I stand by my desision to ask for help... however stupid it was. I can hold my head high for now that I followed law and willingly and by my own will stood up for my actions.
I loved hard.. lived strong.. and believed in my convictions. My Tribe.. The Tuchuks... will go on with or without me... but they will always be... mine.
If that be my epitath.. then so be it.
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